I was at the bridge looking down into the dark river. Ending my life somehow seemed easier than ending my addiction to drugs. But then I asked myself, "Is there really no hope left for me? Do I want to die as a failed father, husband and a miserable addict?"
All the dark memories came crashing down on me as I took a step back. All the nights that blurred by in the smoke of those infinite puffs, the euphoria mixed numbness and the endless teardrops of guilt and misery that followed through. "What have I done to myself?" I asked myself.
That was the moment it hit me — my recovery was going to be tougher than my addiction. But I didn't want to die like that. I wanted to become better. Going to rehab was my last option. And it took everything in me to take that decision, but thank god I took it. I met so many amazing souls there. Everyone had a story. For once in my life, I felt real connection.
When you're addicted, you want to numb the pain and push feelings down so deep that they never resurface. But what you really need to do is find your triggers and change the way you perceive them. That's what I did, and that's how I have been clean for 5 years now.